2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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