I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
