My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
