My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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