Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
this will be a night to untag.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
