have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
