It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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