I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
