how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
