Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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