if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She just used a chaser for red wine.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize