I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
