I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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