The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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