areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
MIDGETS
????
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
