he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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