i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
