Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
