dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
