Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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