it was like his penis was on wheels.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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