Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
