My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
