i'm signing you up for texting rehab
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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