I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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