This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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