Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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