My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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