Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
