No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
