I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
