Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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