dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
