You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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