haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
