I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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