come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
