I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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