By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
