I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
