Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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