He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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