is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
