Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
