The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
