my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
