I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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