So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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