In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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