What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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