Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
