It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm at about main and main street
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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