I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
