what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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