I want to stick my p in your. b.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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