I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
