I'm going to jail i love you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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