it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
