I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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