All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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