Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
